What To Say (& What Not To Say When…)

Those of you who have seen me present or read my books know that a significant part of what I teach is about how to engage others in a way that creates solution-focused conversations. What makes my material on communication and influence different from other professionals is that I teach people how to do this by ensuring that the person you are talking to shifts from their resistant brain to their receptive brain before any attempt to propose a solution.

I lay out a 6-step process that involves:

1. Becoming clear about the qualities we want to bring to the situation, regardless of what they do or say
2. Becoming clear about what we want to bring out in them (versus what we are trying to get them to stop)
3. Listening to learn what is important to them and/or what they are concerned about
4. Empathizing to let them know we get it so that they no longer need to convince us of the righteousness of their perspective
5. Ask what I call “Top of the Mind” or “Neocortex” questions (which are questions about the future, solution, and ones that combine what is important to them with what’s important to me).
6. Problem-solve as the last step

While people are intrigued by this new perspective, they do see it as “easier said than done,” and often ask me for specifics on how to pull it off. In fact, they will often ask me for a list of “Top of the Mind” questions that they can use in different situations. This request is understandable, however, it really isn’t possible, because, to be effective, the question must include what is important to the person you are talking to, and that will change with every situation.

Therefore, to address this need, I have written my eighth book, entitled, “What To Say.” In it, I first briefly describe how the brain influences how we both send and receive information. I then go on to describe a variety of situations (thirty chapters) that are divided into sections on business, relationships, parenting, and general life, in which I lay out the problem (for example, you have to give negative feedback to an employee), what not to say, a “Top of the Mind” solution, and how I might say it.

Of course, I always let the reader know that they might say it differently, and even encourage them to use their own words. I’m always more interested in their understanding the concepts about how to successfully engage others rather than simply using my words, which can come across as robotic or inauthentic.

In the last chapter, I give the reader the formula for applying this philosophy to any situation, and encourage them to contact me if they have questions.

My goal in writing this book, as with all of my books, trainings, and videos, is to give you as much new information as possible, and then show you how to use it so that you can become more influential in your life and the lives of others. Therefore, if you have a specific situation that isn’t addressed in this new book, or if you just want more support in becoming skilled at this type of communication, I suggest that you contact me.

I will always be happy to give you my best thoughts, trusting that you will take what resonates with you and use it as you see fit.