“The truth is, people have the absolute right to be just as unhappy and miserable as they want to be.”

~ Bill Crawford

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What to do With Miserable People

Let’s face it, there are a lot of unhappy people in the world. And for those of us who have chosen happiness (peace of mind, joy, etc.) as our highest purpose, this can be both confusing, and sometimes even problematic. For example, have you ever had anyone reject your opinion because you were just “too happy,” or, maybe you saw someone close to you feeling bad and tried to help by offering a different way to look at the situation, only to have them accuse you of being insensitive, out of touch with reality, or a “Pollyanna”?

The truth is that many people have embraced worry as a way of being prepared, and/or anger as a way of protecting themselves, and thus, they don’t really trust happiness. And… they have a right to feel this way.

As someone who goes around the world teaching people how to be happy and successful by accessing a specific part of the brain, I have had to accept that there are some people for whom this new way of relating to life is just too radical. They are “comfortable” with their world view, and tend to interpret the suggestion that they could look at life differently as criticism.

Therefore, because I do believe that everyone has the right to live by their own philosophy, I have chosen to step back from the need to convince others to change. Instead, I have adopted the philosophy of never giving advice unless I’m asked, and always remembering that people have the right to be just as angry and worried as they want to be.

For example, if someone tells me that they believe that anger is a good motivator because when they get angry, people pay more attention to them, or that worry helps them ensure that no detail slips through the cracks, I say “fine,” because, at that moment, they are not asking for my help, they are defending their world view.

In the past, when I was younger, I used to take great pleasure in pointing out the flaws in their logic. Often, this was easy to do because much of their rationale was not rational. This became even easier when I learned that 90% of our anger and worry come from the lower 20% of our brain… the reactive part rather than the purposeful part.

However, now I simply smile and nod as a way of acknowledging their right to think and feel as they choose. When this happens in normal conversation, this is where it ends. However, If I’m leading a seminar, I feel that I have a responsibility to be as helpful as possible. Therefore, rather than leaving them with their anger and worry, I just encourage them to choose how they are reacting to life “on purpose” or deliberately, and in a way they would teach or recommend to someone they love.

This last question, “Would I teach or recommend this way of being to someone I love?” often has the person willing to reconsider their perspective, because it moves them from defending the righteousness of their world view, to using love as a more purposeful criteria for their choices. Often, but not always.

Sometimes people are just so entrenched in how they look at life that they can’t, or won’t change, no matter what I say or how I say it. And, in these cases, I try to remind myself of this week’s quote: “People have the absolute right to be just as unhappy, angry, worried and/or miserable as they want to be.”

Or, put another way, if I have chosen happiness and peace of mind as the most important thing in my life (my highest purpose), then the need for others to change or even hear what I say as valuable is incongruent with who I want to be and what I would teach to someone I care for.

Bottom line, the real question seems to be, am I willing to trust my own philosophy as a guide for how I relate to people who disagree with me? What would I teach to those I love around this issue? Clearly, the serenity of acceptance, rather than the courage to change, is what is called for.

Take care and God bless, Dr. Bill