Loneliness

I ran across this quote recently after Dr. Dyer passed away, and people were celebrating his life and contribution to society by sharing some of his best thoughts. Having been a fan of Dr. Dyer myself ever since his first book, “Your Erroneous Zones,” came out way back in the 70’s, I thought I would honor his legacy by sharing my thoughts on this quote on loneness.

What I don’t want to do, however, is give you a simplistic response by stating that “you just need to like yourself more.” Instead, I want to look at what I believe is the true cause of loneliness and use this perspective to offer some suggestions for minimizing this experience in the future. In other words, what’s important to acknowledge in addressing loneliness is that early in our life this was a life-threatening condition. As babies, we needed someone to feed us and take care of us, otherwise we would die! This had our limbic system (the part of the brain that is responsible for survival) interpreting being alone as dangerous, because it was!

As we grew older, however, we became more self-sufficient, and came to realize that being alone didn’t mean we were going to die. The question then became, what did it mean? If it just meant that we didn’t have anyone to play with at the moment, chances are we just used our imagination to amuse ourselves and it wasn’t a big problem. However, if somehow we got the message that there was something wrong with us, or we were not “enough” (not worth spending time with) then loneliness became a validation of this fear, and as a result, took on new and even more frightening meaning.

This then had us desperately trying to find people to be around, because this was the only way we could feel good about who we were. If this fear-based perspective persisted into our teenage years, chances are the fear got worse, because identifying with one’s peers is what being a teenager is all about. In other words, if we felt that the only way we could see ourselves as valuable or lovable was when we were being valued or loved by others, then being alone was a problem not only because there was no one around to validate our worth, but because we were afraid that it meant we weren’t worth spending time with.

Can you see how this could create a fear of being alone, or give “being alone” such a negative meaning? If so, I suggest we reject this fear-based belief that we are only valuable when being valued by others, and identify our worth based upon who we are, regardless of who is around. For example, do you believe that you have a good sense of humor, are you a caring person, do you enjoy learning new things, are you someone who keeps their word? If so, then this is a person that is enjoyable to spend time with. Or, as this week’s quote suggests, when you are with this very likable lovable person (as you always are) you will never be lonely even when you are alone.

If this is something that resonates with you (if you would teach this perspective to someone you love), then I suggest you begin to practice enjoying your own company. What do love to do?… Do more of that with you! Enjoy the freedom that comes with doing whatever you want without needing to be concerned if others are enjoying it as well. Enjoy others company, sure, AND, make it your goal to become skilled at enjoying your own company as well. I can guarantee that if you are someone who learned somewhere along the way that you are not enough, learning to love your own company will enrich your experience of life more than you can imagine.

The bottom line, there is only one person on the planet that you will never leave and will never leave you. I suggest we become skilled at enjoying this person’s company so that being alone no longer equates with loneliness.