“”Setting healthy boundaries may require that we reclaim personal properties that we may have unwittingly deeded to others in the past.””

~ Steve Butler

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Healthy Boundaries and The Brain

If you google “healthy boundaries,” you will get around forty million, six hundred thousand results. However, most of these are about how to say “no” and/or keep unwanted people out of our personal space, or out of our life.

While I can certainly understand these desires, I’m going to suggest that trying to create something healthy by focusing on what we don’t want, or how we need to protect ourselves from others, may not be the most effective method of accomplishing our goals.

Why? Because, when we are focused on the problem, or what we are trying to prevent, we are by definition coming from the problem-focused part of the brain (the lower 20%). This limits us to either fight or flight, and requires that we hold on to our worry or concern about the problem in order to stay vigilant (which keeps us worried and concerned).

For those familiar with my “Life from the Top of the Mind” system, you know that our ability to create the life we want depends on our being able to access the upper 80% of the brain (the Neocortex), because this is where our clarity, confidence, & creativity resides. This is also where we have access to our best interpersonal skills, our best problem-solving skills, as well as our ability to nurture ourselves and others.

Therefore, I like to look at the issue of healthy boundaries from a solution-focused, versus a problem-focused perspective, and this week’s quote from my close friend, business partner, and IT guru, Steve Butler, is a great place to start. Again, Steve says, “Setting healthy boundaries may require that we reclaim personal properties that we may have unwittingly deeded to others in the past.” I love this perspective because it speaks to us “reclaiming personal property.” In other words, we are looking at the property for which we are responsible and ensuring we are being good caretakers, or caring for that property in a way we would recommend to our children, or those we love.

To do this, we need understand that we are responsible for creating guidelines, or rules for how people behave when on our property. These should represent our own personal values and beliefs about the thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that we have chosen to practice, and again, that we would recommend to those we love.

These qualities and/or characteristics might include compassion, patience, kindness, honesty, responsibility, flexibility, being a good listener, etc. If those who want to connect with us share these values, we welcome them to join us. If not, we compassionately, kindly, and lovingly let them know that only those who share our values are welcome. We might say something like: “Yes, I can see how you might be (angry, suspicious, resentful, etc.) about what I’m saying, – and – I’m comfortable with the criteria I have described to you.”

Do you see the difference? We are not putting up a wall, trying to convince others to change, or trying to protect ourselves as a way of creating healthy boundaries or a a healthy life. We are taking responsibility for the personal properties for which we are indeed responsible, and setting very clear guidelines about what is required for access. We are not making others wrong or trying to protect ourselves from anything. We are simply owning our place as the steward of our domain, and letting others know what sort of person is welcome to join us in the co-creation of a friendship or relationship.

And then there is the part of Steve’s quote that speaks to the fact that we may have unwittingly deeded these important personal properties to others in the past. This means that we may have grown up believing that if we are nice to others, they will be nice to us. This may lead us to giving others the deed (permission to reside and make laws) to areas of our life that are critical to our happiness. That’s understandable, as almost everyone does this to one degree or another – and – as an adult, it’s time to reclaim these personal properties. The key is to have the reclamation process be driven by the same qualities and characteristics that are congruent with our happiness, and those we use as a guide for who we are and who we invite in to share our life.

Here is to success in your own personal reclamation process, and to becoming the true landlord of your land.

Take care and God bless, Dr. Bill