“You can’t get people to ‘Yes’ by telling them ‘No'”
~ Bill Crawford
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Getting Others To Get It
“Getting to ‘Yes'” is being talked about a lot these days, and with good reason, because, whether we like to admit it or not, we all like to be influential with others. We like them to hear, understand, and agree with what we believe to be true. Of course, that doesn’t mean we always need this to be happy. However, it is the focus of many of our more intense conversations.
Unfortunately, have you also noticed that this desire to convince others of the value, or righteousness of our perspective often results in the opposite reaction? Maybe you have been on the receiving end of someone trying to convince you that they are right and you are wrong. If so, have you noticed how your natural reaction is to resist?
This natural reaction is at the heart of this week’s quote, “You can’t get people to Yes by telling them No, ” In other words, you can’t get someone to hear the value of your perspective when you are criticizing theirs. Much of this has to do with how the brain processes information. For those of you who follow my “Life from the Top of the Mind” philosophy, you know how important the limbic system is in our decision-making. Add to this the fact that this part of the brain is also responsible for our survival, and you can understand why it tends to lean toward the cautious when interpreting incoming data. This means that when we try to convince people of the righteousness of our perspective by telling them “No,” or criticizing their perspective, their limbic system interprets this as a threat, and resists being convinced.
What’s the solution? Well, in my model, the way you get to a place of agreement with someone is by first partnering with their resistance. In other words, when you are talking with people, it’s important to do more than just understand that they believe that they are right. They need to see that you also understand why they think and feel the way they do. Once they see that you get it (which must be sincere, by the way), they then may be willing to consider additional information and even change their minds if you can frame your information in a way that they will hear as valuable.
This is what I teach when I’m asked to help an individual or organization become more influential with others. Don’t get into a debate with them that only has them defending the position you want them to change. Partner with their brainstem or resistance, and then lead them to the neocortex where you can combine what is important to them with what is important to you.
If you would like more information on how this is done, feel free to go to my website (wwwBillCrawfordPhD.com), hit the “contact” button, and let me know what you are interested in. I would love to help you “get others to ‘Yes” in ways that not only have them understanding the value of your perspective, but in a way that lays a foundation for future solution-focused conversation where everyone is coming from the clear, confident, and creative part of the brain.
Take care and God bless, Dr. Bill