“Resistance almost always triggers resentment, and is rooted in the powerless of childhood.”

~ Bill Crawford

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Resistance & Resentment

This week, I want to look at the concepts of resistance and resentment (both in ourselves and our communication with others) to see if we can understand why something so problematic is so prevalent. I believe that this goes back to our experience as a child. Now, don’t worry, this isn’t going to be an essay on how negative toilet training has scarred us for life. However, I do think that remembering back to what it was like to be a child could be helpful in understanding why we might find ourselves reacting to life the way that we do today.

For example, is it fair to say that children in general, don’t have a lot of power in their lives? For the most part, they are told when to eat, sleep, work, play, what to wear, where to go, where not to go, etc. Plus, children who are in dysfunctional situations can neither leave or change (influence) what is going on, and this “learned helplessness” can become a world view that they carry into adulthood.

This is especially problematic because childhood is where our brains are being formed, and our core beliefs about the world and our place in the world are being formed as well. In other words, most children don’t think, “This is just how my family is,” they think, “This is how the world is!”

The good news is that there will come a time in all of our lives where we do have the ability to either change or leave any situation that is dysfunctional. The bad news, however is that, because many of us have learned that we can’t change, we just resist the problem until we give in, which, of course, triggers resentment.

We can also see this dynamic at work in our communication with others. For example, have you ever tried to convince someone of something, only to have them go from resistance to resentment, where they begin to vehemently defend the very behavior you are wanting them to change? If so, I think we can all agree that this resistance/resentment dynamic is clearly something that we want to change so that we don’t fall into the trap of learned helplessness and/or trigger resistance and resentment in others.

How do we do that?

First, we must understand that both resistance and resentment come from the lower 20% of the brain. We haven’t “decided” to become resentful. It just happens, and therefore, we must shift to the more purposeful upper 80% of the brain (the neocortex) so that we can have more influence in how we think and how we approach others. For those of you who follow my “Life from the Top of the Mind” philosophy, you know that this is what I teach in my books, seminars, and coaching sessions. It’s not easy because it requires that we create new neural pathways that go from the limbic system up to the neocortex (versus down to the brainstem) and then reinforce this new way of thinking/being until it becomes a habit.

If we are willing to take on this project, however, the rewards are more than worth the effort. Rather than feeding resistance and resentment in ourselves and others, we are now practicing dealing with life “on purpose,” or choosing to feed the qualities and characteristics that we would recommend to those we love. Given that anything we practice will eventually become a habit, this new more purposeful way of life will soon become our “second nature,” and in doing so, will put us in a place to respond to life with clarity, confidence, and creativity, versus resistance and resentment.

If this is something you would like for yourself, your family, and/or your organization, I encourage you to contact me and let’s discuss how to bring this new perspective to your life, and the lives of others.

Take care and God bless, Dr. Bill