I wonder how much of what is weighing us down is truly ours to carry?

~ Adapted from Aditi

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What Is Truly Ours To Carry?

I chose this quote for inclusion this week due to its ability to add some perspective to what we find ourselves worrying about. I say “find ourselves” because very few people decide to worry. “Hey, looking forward to some really productive worry time tonight. Three or four hours should do it, don’t you think?” No, most of us just find ourselves ruminating over problems, and I suggest we use this awareness to make some decisions about whether to continue worrying or change our mind to something more productive.

Of course, many people have grown up confusing worrying with caring, and therefore will resist suggestion that they should worry less because it would mean that they care less. So first, let’s be clear that I’m not suggesting that you stop worrying. I don’t see my job as telling people how they should or shouldn’t feel.

However, for those of you who are wanting to shift from worry to some other mindset, I do have some ideas on how to pull this off, AND, at the same time, bring more clarity, confidence, creativity, and compassion into your life and the lives of others.

You see, the challenge of worrying is that it throws us into the lower reactive brain (the brainstem), and this is perfect when what we are worrying about requires a fight-or-flight response. However, when what we are worrying about does not require a fight-or-flight response, or isn’t even something that we can control, we will need to choose a more purposeful mindset to deal with the situation effectively.

I like the mindset of clarity and awareness. First, as this week’s quote suggests, we can ask if what is weighing us down (triggering our worry) is truly ours to carry? Is this something that I am responsible for, or am I worrying about someone else’s problem? Sure, I care, but does my worrying really help?

I’m suggesting that it doesn’t! For one, we are thrown into the reactive brain versus the creative brain, which makes our involvement in the situation more of a problem than part of the solution. Secondly (and maybe most importantly), it sends a message to the person we are worried about that we don’t have confidence in their ability to deal with the situation successfully. And third, it may create yet another layer of dysfunction in that now they have to worry about us worrying!

Therefore, what if we choose awareness or clarity about what we continue to focus on? For example, we can use the criteria that it is truly my responsibility, and that my taking responsibility for addressing the situation does not send a message that I have a lack of confidence in those I love.

You see, the truth is that we all have plenty to deal with without, taking on the burden of others or of situations over which we have no control. In fact, facing our own “stuff” takes courage and a willingness to allocate time and resources to the process. Sometimes this will mean looking at parts of ourselves that we would rather avoid. In fact, for some, the act of worrying about others is partially driven by a fear of looking at oneself.

Therefore I suggest we take on the responsibility of accessing our clarity, confidence, and creativity in all aspects of life, and choose to focus on those issues that are truly ours to deal with… those “burdens” that are truly ours to carry. When we do this, not only will we take more responsibility for our own “stuff,” we avoid sending the message to others that we have no confidence in them, and we don’t give them something else to worry about. In other words we lessen everyone’s burden. Not a bad outcome, don’t you think?

Take care and God bless, Dr. Bill